This page contains bits of twisted and demented "humor" that has been shared in the context of the Defender 90 mailing list. Be warned, once it's in the FAQ, it's ALL out of context......!
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Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 23:49:49 EDT
From: MARCINKO3@aol.com
Subject: Re: [D90] Differentials, Positraction, C3PO...
In a message dated 4/15/99 9:42:55 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
billnsandi@kingwoodcable.com writes:
> Doug Skywalker,
>Join Rich and I on the Dark Side,
>It is your destiny.
I am so digging the Star Wars hype....
Do you think the Millennium Falcon had lockers?
Was Han Solo really jumping into hyperspace, or just locking the center
diff? He DID always grab a lever in the center console...
I have just convinced myself that the Millennium Falcon was made by Land
Rover. See, it was always breaking down, tools strewn about the cabin, when
he took it to back to Billy Dee Williams place, we learn that Billy Dee was
the previous owner. See! Owners sticking together! Yea!
You can see a resemblance in our crowd to many of the characters in Star
Wars... Chris V kinda looks like a Han Solo while Stacy looks like Liea! Pat
Macomber reminds me of Obi-Wan although I think the role of a "Force wise"
ex Jedi would go to Bill Burke. (Yoda!) Maybe the whole bar scene from the
first Star Wars is the crew from Safari Gard; Lots of funky people there.
I would like to think I'm a Boba Fett; menacing bounty hunter, but chances
are I am a C3PO; annoying, funny looking little man with to much to say.
May the Rover be with you.
Steve "George LUCAS" Williams
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Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:28:07 -0700 (PDT)
From: David Rosenbaum rosenbau@u.washington.edu
Subject: [D90] Friday joke - not Land Rover related
To lighten the mood, and since it is
Friday, here's a joke.
Dave Rosenbaum
Seattle
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
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From: Brian Graftaas[SMTP:bgraftaa@GreatPlains.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 09, 2000 1:07 PM
Subject: RE: What's in a name?
Carey,
Great question. I don't know that there necessarily are any re-naming
conventions, but I'm sure we can come up with some. They smash a bottle of
champagne on the hull of a boat, right? Well, I'm not much of a champagne
drinker, but I do like beer. So when I finish my hybrid, I think I'll break
a bottle of Guiness over her wing. Then again, that seems like a terrible
waste of beer -- so maybe I'll break a half bottle of Guiness over her wing.
Hmmm. Would it be more fitting to christen a Land Rover with 90 weight?
Reminds me of an old story:
Two Irishmen were walking down the street -- best of friends, they were. And
the one turns to the other and says, "Mulligan, me friend, when I die, would
you do me the favor or pourin' a bottle of the finest Irish whiskey over me
grave?" After a moment's thought, Mulligan says, "Flannigan, 'twould be my
greatest pleasure to do you this favor, but would you mind it it went
through me kidneys first?"
Brian Graftaas
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Date: Mon, 17 May 1999 13:19:15 -0400
From: Doug Boehme DBoehme@PA.Navisys.com
Subject: [D90] Tools (humor)
Implied Land Rover humor:
(article originally penned by Peter Egan for Cycle World or Road& Track - ed.)
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing upholstered seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in
fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your
garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum
you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or =BD socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
part you were drying.
WIRE BUFFING WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed
your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as
a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it
is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to
round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40
years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses =BD inch too short.
ADJUSTABLE CRESCENT WRENCH (AKA: Kentucky Do-All ):
An adjustable spanner wrench made to fit anything but in reality fits
nothing at all. (See rounding off bolt heads above)
OIL FILTER WRENCH:
An amazingly efficient tool that never fits into the space allotted
between the engine and the radiator of any known automobile.
TORX SOCKET-HEAD SCREWS:
The new-fangled and extremely high torque screws that you have so far
bought 7 sets of wrenches for but can never find.
CHEESE-HEAD BOLT:
See above.
SOCKET-HEAD CAP SCREWS:
See above.
SQUARE-HEAD SOCKET SCREWS:
See above.
METRIC COMBINATION WRENCH SET:
See above
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From: jmorris2[SMTP:jmorris2@utk.edu]
Sent: Sunday, March 26, 2000 8:44 AM
Subject: [D90] another joke (WAS GM wants the Buick V8 back)
American Airlines used a dead chicken and a firing mechanism to test if their
windshields are strong enough to handle a large bird hitting it in the air,
well...British Airways heard about this and wanted to try it. They asked
American Airlines to ship one of their chicken to Britian, and to build a
firirng mechanism. American Airlines agreed and everything was shipped to
Britian. British Airways wasted no time and tested their windshield's as soon
as they got everything. The chicken was fired, and went all the way through
windshield. The British engineers were dumbfounded, they called American
Airlines to figure out what the problem was.....American Airlines, "Did you
unthaw the chicken?"
Not really Land Rover related, but kinda funny!
Jason Morris
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From: Christopher Laws[SMTP:badgerman@capecod.net]
Sent: Saturday, April 01, 2000 5:36 AM
Subject: Re: It's alive
It's called "Rover Roulette", and this is the game you have to play if you
own a Land Rover. It is no longer called a breakdown, but called a delay. The
rule of the game is to see how fast you can track the problem down, and fix
it to get back on the road.If you can get back on the road, and continue to
win with each delay, the Rover will not want to play as much. If you fail and
are not able to fix it, points are added to your stress level. This will lead
to setting up a stress release program, in which you save broken tools and
equiptment such as broken fax machines and take out your stress on worthless
objects!
Yes, I've played this game for years and when my Land Rover pulls one of
these tricks- I start to laugh, cause I look forward to the challenge. Just
lately I've stepped up to a new level- The Range Rover!
Let the games begin!!
Sew on and sew forth,
Chris Laws
Badger Coachworks
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From: Bill Ritchie[SMTP:billnsandi@kingwoodcable.com]
Sent: Monday, April 03, 2000 12:31 PM
Subject: [D90] New Roverphile Announcement
I am pleased and proud to announce the arrival of my daughter today at 3:10
PM.
Anna Elizabeth Ritchie
2000 model
mostly blotchety red with a black/brown softop
blue HID headlights
6 lbs 2 ounces GVW
19.5 " of lift
OBD II wiring and ECU with only one fault code (crying)
105 db siren/alarm system (usually set off by the low fuel situations, or a
plugged exhaust)
no apparent means of locomotion at the moment (although she consumes vast
quantities of fuel and gives off a surely biohazardous and radioactive
exhaust)
can't tell if she is right or left hand drive yet
she seems pretty rustproof from the factory
It think she is a bargain at 18 to 25 years of parental support
Bill R.
ps. Mother and daughter are both healthy and well at the hospital were I
work, and should come home tomorrow. :)
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From: john.cranfield@ns.sympatico.ca[SMTP:john.cranfield@ns.sympatico.ca]
Sent: Sunday, June 11, 2000 7:20 PM
Subject: The benefits of preparation or you never know when you'll need beer.
A small contingent from MORE when on a little trail ride and camp out
this weekend. Three vehicles and six adults and two children.
Along the way and about 10 miles into the bush we came across an ATV
rider parked beside the trail. We stopped and ask if there was a
problem, naturally, being Rover owners.
He had bashed the oil drain plug on a rock and lost all his oil. Now to
solve his dilemma he had the following equipment, no tools, no spare
oil, enough beer for 7 people.
Unfortunately, although we were able to whittle a plug, hammer it in
place and fill the engine with 20w50, we had no beer.
We have learned our lesson and will be better equipped next time.
John and Muddy
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From: davidnieman@yahoo.com[SMTP:davidnieman@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, July 11, 2000 2:35 PM
Subject: [D90] Re: That "Defender Story"
I think you are looking for this:
http://www.magicnet.net/~joeg/back/three/d90.html
Great article by the way.
- David Nieman
1995 D-90 #2582
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From: Jamie[SMTP:jamie.austin@austingroup.co.uk]
Sent: Wednesday, October 04, 2000 8:47 AM
Subject: [D90] British p*ss taking
Found this earlier at http://home1.gte.net/kwbaum/defenderF.htm
Made me giggle a bit!
Laws of Physics for British Cars
by Rex Funk*
Sir Isaac Newton, an Englishman famed for his discovery of the Law of
Gravity, has a branch of Physics named for him. The real breakthrough in
physics in the 20th century has been the development of Quantum Physics.
Often startling and unconventional, the laws of Quantum Physics explain
heretofore little understood phenomena. Yet no one has fully explained the
perplexing contrivance of Newton's countrymen: the British car. Indeed these
cars, which we know and love, defy all known laws of physics. In an effort
to bring some clarity to the conundrum of the British Car, I offer this
treatise in hopes that it will account for some of the idiosyncrasies of
these venerable but unpredictable vehicles. This seminal dissertation will
no doubt be widely, if not soberly, debated. While I support the prerogative
of the reader to question my conclusions, I challenge skeptics among you to
propose equally plausible, lucid and concise explanations for the phenomena
in question.
1. Law of Accelerated Entropy
Entropy in British cars proceeds at twice the rate of that of normal
electro/mechanical devices. Entropy is the propensity of matter to break
down to its simplest form (ultimately the hydrogen atom). This previously
unknown law has been deduced through observation, and is supported by the
now famous Lucas Corollary to Murphy's Law.
2. Law of Inverse Practicality
The most desirable British cars are the least practical to own and operate.
This is also known as the Law of Sadomasochistic Attraction.
3. Law of Momentum and Inertia
Most simply stated this law is British cars are hard to start, but once you
get them going there is no stopping them. Also know as Girling's Law, this
explains why most older British sports cars which still run, need bodywork
on their front wings, bonnets and/or front aprons.
4. Law of Inverse Complexity
Mechanical devices on British cars have twice as many parts as those on
other cars. In Social Science literature this is referred to as the British
Labour Party Law of Job Security and Feather-bedding.
5. Law of Obscure and Obtuse Nomenclature
The names given to parts of British cars have no rational explanation
outside of certain esoteric circles. Cases in point: a Hood is a convertible
top, the Bonnet is the hood over the engine, the Boot is the trunk, and a
King Dick Spanner is an adjustable wrench. Recent research has confirmed
that these arcane terms were coined by early British auto makers as an
inside joke while in an ale-induced stupor during nightly visits to the
Lucas Pub and Electrical Works in Coventry. The same beverage was consumed
in quantity by writers of technical and shop manuals with similar
unfathomable results.
6. Law of Agricultural Lineage
With notable exceptions, stock British car engines look and sound like
tractor engines, from whence many of their original designs came. If it
could plow a field, it could power an auto.
7. Cultural Phylogenetic Law of Electrical Systems
British car electrical systems recapitulate British society in that their
designs are rooted in tradition, but their components often go on strike,
fail to work together, and are filled with caustic and incompatible
constituents. These social conditions are exacerbated by the fact that much
of the populace own Lucas refrigerators, and are forced to drink warm beer.
8. Law of Inscrutable Variables
Also known as the Stealth Corollary to Murphy's Law, this law states that
anything that can go wrong will be well hidden until it does, and will often
defy diagnosis. This explains why British cars are chock full of so many
delightful surprises and enigmas.
9. Law of Cyclic Effort in Restoration
Similar to the example of the process of painting the Golden Gate Bridge,
this law states that as soon as one need or problem is solved, another will
pop up to take its place. Thus a British car restoration is never completed,
but always in progress.
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From: Clayton, Jeffrey
To: Gomes, David
Subject: how to drive like a moron
Dave,
sound like anyone we know?
http://members.aol.com/doggiesnot/index.htm
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From: Roger Sinasohn
Sent: Thursday, November 21, 2002 11:45 PM
Subject: Picking the right Land Rover for your family
Here's a simple guide to picking the right Land Rover for your family, based on
your kids' ages.
Ages 0-2: 101 Forward Control
You'll need the expansive cargo carrying capacity of the 101 to carry all the
gear you'll need -- Large stroller, small stroller, portable crib, baby
backpack, large diaper bag, small diaper bag, high chair, low chair, portable
swing, 18 changes of clothes per day, milk bottles, bottle warmer, bottle
sterilizer, pump, portable refrigerator, collapsible rocking chair, etc. And
toys. Lots of toys. If you can get a hold of a matching trailer, you might be
able to bring some clothes for yourself. Ideally, you'll get a hardbody model as
they become mobile after a few months and can easily chew through the canvas of
the softtops.
Ages 2-5: Defender 90
The "terrible twos" don't really last a decade, it just seems that way. You'll
need the sheer industrial strength of the Defender series as the kids begin to
learn more about their surroundings through experiments with gravity (watch the
bowling ball bounce, daddy!), explorations in sound (why does it sound different
when I hit the front of the Land Rover than when I hit back with this lead
pipe?), and investigations into the limits of your patience (think destructive
tantrums).
Ages 5-16: Disco SE7 with dog guard
There might be times when you want the kids in the middle seats, but generally
you'll want them as far away as possible, with something to stop them from
getting any closer. Soundproof glass would be even better.
Ages 16-18, Male: Series 109"
The stock Land Rover engine (no overdrive) will ensure you don't have to worry
about "sideshows", late night drag racing, or even speeding tickets. The longer
wheelbase will prevent them from trying to be too gonzo in the local vacant lot,
while keeping them out of trouble as they help friends and family move every
weekend.
Ages 16-18, Female: Series 88"
As with the boys' 109", you won't have problems with speeding. You'll also avoid
worrying about your daughter's honor -- she'll be continually surrounded by boys
who barely notice she's there, as they climb all over the Land Rover. The
absence of the six foot bed in the back helps as well. You'll save money when
she realizes that expensive clothes,
make-up, and accessories are wasted and/or ruined in the series -- a used pair
of blue jeans (or mechanic's overalls) make a lot more sense.
Ages 18+: 101 Forward Control
As soon as the last kid heads off to college (even for a visit), you'll want to
lock up the house, jump in the 101, and head into the deepest, most remote bit
of jungle/desert/wasteland you can find so they will (hopefully) be unable to
track you down (they'll only want to ask for money anyway.)